So many who are drawn to spanking also desire to submit to their spanking partner. This is true for both men and women. They seek order in what to them is chaos. They want to be led and be accountable to their partner. Submission seems as necessary to them as breathing, Finding a spanking partner is one challenge. Find one that will accept the offered leadership role is another hurdle.

Getting a partner willing to accept and honor the proffered submission is problematic. Long talks are held, contracts are written and then the submissive may test the dominant to see if they are paying attention.

Some intelligent women who want to be submissive seem to come alive when they find a dominant man. The game is on for them. They immediately concentrate their mind on finding ways to annoy the dominant, to flaunt his authority, to end-run him. They call it testing to see if he means what he says. I say it is a tiresome unrewarding game for the dominant.

Convince me I am wrong.

I would never accept a woman’s submission. I like women who are feisty and self-assured. I have zero interest in monitoring anyone’s behavior. Any woman that could interest me is able to pull her own weight and motivate herself to achieve her goals.

I don’t know why anyone would want to be submissive. I will not submit to anyone. I will gladly go along with suggestions, directions as long as they ask in a civil and courteous manner. I will not be told what to do.

I have never had the time or inclination to micromanage anyone.

There many terms for submissive/dominant roles. FLR/MLR, Sub/Dom, Master/Slave [OK, I coined Male Led Relationship] None of these roles are of interest to me. In fact one is repugnant.

Our relationship is equal. We both have responsibilities. We share chores.  We have never said you do that, I will do this. It has just evolved.

I started cooking more in the last few years. She stays out of her kitchen when I cook. I do likewise when she is the chef. I will usually do the chopping for her, but I do it out of her way.

It’s a long way of saying we share and we both have spheres of responsibility and there is never any conflict.

We are both alpha types. Usually, when I spank her she is not at all submissive. However, she sometimes relishes being a bedroom submissive. It usually takes her a day to meld her mind to being submissive.  When we play she will use sir for that time. Her choice, never mine.

Oral has never been a significant part of sex for us but she loves to suck my cock while in her submissive frame of mind.  Minutes after she comes she is back to being feisty. I would not want it any other way.

Spanking Is Complicated For Most People

Long post with my thoughts on spanking relationships.

Warning: No spanking pictures.

I make no claim that what we enjoy is right for anyone else. My point is that the lack of honest communication and the desire to be submissive may not get you what you want.

Spanking Is Complicated For Most People and that’s because they make it that way. They feel they have to be submissive, so they can’t say what they really want.

I read this and wonder about it.

Yes, it really does hurt. But, as odd as this may sound, the pain is a secondary consideration. What we treasure more are feelings of connectedness, peace, and openness that follow.

Connectedness is a feeling of belonging to or having an affinity with a particular person or group. I suppose belonging to could be a submissive state of mind. And an affinity with a particular person or group could mean you are damn glad to have someone to spank you. All this seems to be overthinking it to me. I like to spank, I like to be spanked. It turns me on. No other rational is needed.

The only thing I have ever said about spanking that may be universally true is that once two people admit they share an interest in spanking that will be the last time they will fully agree on anything related to spanking.

The list of reasons for spanking goes on for novel-length. Atonement for misdeeds, connecting to another, submission, fun, etc. In our case, it’s directly connected to sexual pleasure. Sure, there is a sting, but it’s not perceived as pain to us. The sting goes from our backside to our brain for a little processing and to our front side. When I think of all the other reasons someone that likes to be spanked might have, it’s a wonder that Bacall and I found each other so compatible. We sure as hell did not have a list of spanking traits we wanted in the other when we met.
Disappointment in a spanking.  Yes, sure, it happens for all sorts of reasons. Too hard. Too gentle. Preoccupied. Not in the mood. Didn’t happen. Shouldn’t have happened. Delayed. Not the implement I was hoping for. Already been spanked and don’t need another one. Would rather snuggle. Uncomfortable position. Headache. Sore back. Sore bottom. Busy now. Too hot. Too cold. Too stingy, I wanted thud. Too thuddy, I wanted sting. Wrong room. Too long. Too short. Too high. Too low. Too far out on my hip. Feeling sick. Feeling tired. Wanted scolding. Scolding was distracting. Rationale is bogus. Didn’t get a rationale. Just don’t want to get spanked right now. Why can’t we do this later?
My thought, yeah do it later, take a rain check. Neither of us feels submissive to the other so taking a spanking to be submissive to the other’s desires is foreign to us. We always check with the other to see if they are in the mood. If things are not going as we want, we tell the other right away.

So I got a note from a guy. His wife has agreed to spank him, maybe not as long or as hard as he would like, but he is working with her to “improve” the spankings. He would like to be submissive to her, to give himself to her. But, she will have none of that.

I can relate to her feelings. I have had more than a few women that wanted to be submissive to me. I am not bragging, I am saying how desperate they were. All of them were successful in their own right. An RN with two doctorates, a CPA, etc.  I have never wanted any part in controlling another’s life. It’s all I can do to control my own life. 

So I can understand wives who signed up for traditional marriage, with traditional sexual boundaries who find after the vows have been exchanged that their husband has a few more vows – that he wants to be spanked and have her control him.

And it course works the other way, wives reveal they want to be spanked, controlled after marriage. Witness all the DD blogs.

We can ask for a spanking. That takes nothing away from it for us.


Consider that in marriages where punishments spankings are given, don’t you find it odd that only the submissive one ever needs to be punished? The dominant one never makes a mistake. Fucking incredible to me.

Most paddlings given to me by other women have been a disappointment to me. I explain in detail how I want it and they tell me they understand. And then bam right out of the gate they head in a different direction and I have to stop the scene. I make sure they understand that licks only go on the meaty section and the first lick is on my side. Scene ends.
Same with implements, there are dozens of types. We happen to have landed on wood. I was always about wood, no doubt from school. She came to wood by way of leather. There are damn few wood paddles that work for us. When we made them, we tested them on each other to see how they worked. I would get on the intercom and call her down to the workshop for a test. We communicated.
A belt Bacall bought for herself. It turned out to be more than she bargained for.
One of my jeans belt that I use on Bacall
Some paddles were tossed right away, others would be cut a little to see if that would improve them. When we got one we liked, she would finish it.
I can look a paddle and say it looks like it would work, but the proof is in feeling it.
All this to say, it’s an exceedingly narrow channel to find a suitable mate and another channel to find the right implement. As I am sure you already know.
After years and dozens of toys, these are our go-to favs
Her Toys
My Toys

Degreees Of Submission

Submissive Bacall and I are not. Since we all tend the see the world as we are, understanding a subject we don’t have first-hand experience of is problematic. Still, I try.

We don’t read blogs that incorporate punishment with spanking. The most popular spanking blog authors are women who do not need to be punished. On the other hand, most spanking blogs depict spanking as punishment. Isn’t that odd to you? The setup for most spanking video’s have some flimsy reason for a spanking. They talked too long on the phone or some such nonsense. Do we have to be bad in order to be spanked or to accept a spanking? I will come back around to that.  

At the extreme, we have met a few women who might be described as doormats. They want a dominate man so much, they will accept a good deal abuse to have Him. As a group, they are insecure, have little self-esteem and are often drama queens. They can not be spanked enough to attain the level of unworthiness they have of themselves. Spank me, humiliate me, let me suck your cock. There is a DSM code for this. Spanking is not a treatment.

Really submissive men are quite different. Their submission goes way beyond spanking. Like the extreme women mentioned above, they can not be spanked or humiliated enough. Many want to take it farther and want to be denied sex – have their equipment locked up, given ruined orgasms and denied vaginal intercourse. At the same time, they want to worship their mistress with their tongues. I wonder why oral sex is seen as being submissive? Bacall and I love making love. If I wanted to forgo penetrative sex and only worship her instead, she would clobber me.

I saw this on a femdom blog the other day – A denied man is an obedient man. A sexually satisfied man is a lazy man. These men must have different DNA than I do. In my younger years, being horny meant I could focus on little else than getting laid. My boss might have described me a lazy.

From another blog: A sub with no pleasure is an anxious and very obediant husband. On the one hand this is very beneficial for you. He will endlessly think that “today” is the day that he will be allowed a lovely little orgasm and if he is REALLY lucky, it just might be inside you.

That is ultimate submission to me folks. I don’t get the thrill of no sex. When I am paddled or when I paddle, the outcome is the same, we are both going to get laid. I was born with a certain number of heartbeats and a limited number of orgasms. While my heart is still beating, I intend to have every single orgasm I can. I do regret that my days of every day or even more than once a day are gone. Come to think of it, the heart is no longer what it once was.

I read some femdom blogs and I really wonder if all of the writers are women or men posing as women. Is this a women writing? I decided to spank him and then fuck him up the ass…..”Reach down and hold your cheeks wide apart for me. I want to see what I’m going to fuck.” I told him……”Are you going to take it up the ass like a two dollar whore?” I asked him. Lots of men and women like some type of anal stimulation. Why does it need to be forceful or sadistic?

I very recently learned, from an un-impeachable source, that there really are women who like to be served by men and do not charge for it.

Absolutely, there are femdom women who don’t charge fees. They tend to be lifestylers, into having slaves or subs all the time, not just for paid sessions.
A man I know used to play regularly with a pro domme. She never charged him a dime. Her reasoning was, “With clients, I have to keep the scene to what THEY want. With YOU, I can do whatever I want.” 

Another take, spanking is play.

From: SEXUELLE: July 2013
This is something like Bacall and I practice. It is part of a reply Sexuelle made to a reader question.

I have a feeling that I am in the minority of women that while I enjoy domination sexually, I also don’t have anything to do with punishment for punishments sake. What I mean is that spanking and other forms of light BDSM play is just that, play.. all in fun, unless there is maybe the occasional role play going on where the punishment/discipline is part of the game/scene.

However, spanking with a partner, especially a sexual partner, can be COMPLETELY different, especially since you find being dominated is very arousing.

I am telling you there is nothing so arousing as being over your man’s lap (again speaking from my point of view and experience). There is so much other than the spanking itself that all makes up the experience. It is being in his control, knowing you are trusting him, knowing this is what he wants to do, that he is dominating, in charge, macho, his hard body so contrasting with your softer one. The feel of his muscular thighs beneath you. And the feel of his hard cock pushing against you. And I promise it will be very hard. I am betting that there are few guys that would not be.
Then there is the spanking. The feel of heat and sting coursing thru your body as you squirm against him, so wanting more until a point where you almost beg for him to stop and desperately hope he does not. At this point, is when if I am going to have an orgasm (which has happened many times) it is almost mind numbing. If not, I will be going nuts for one. I will be so hot, wet, and probably begging him to stop and fuck me already.

And then it happens. Some of the best sex of your life, I promise. Sex after spanking is nuclear. You will kick yourself for not having done this sooner.

That is what I urge you anyone to try. Forget the punishment mindset for now, and try it!

Well said Sexuelle!