Long post with my thoughts on spanking relationships.
Warning: No spanking pictures.
I make no claim that what we enjoy is right for anyone else. My point is that the lack of honest communication and the desire to be submissive may not get you what you want.
Spanking Is Complicated For Most People and that’s because they make it that way. They feel they have to be submissive, so they can’t say what they really want.
I read this and wonder about it.
Yes, it really does hurt. But, as odd as this may sound, the pain is a secondary consideration. What we treasure more are feelings of connectedness, peace, and openness that follow.
Connectedness is a feeling of belonging to or having an affinity with a particular person or group. I suppose belonging to could be a submissive state of mind. And an affinity with a particular person or group could mean you are damn glad to have someone to spank you. All this seems to be overthinking it to me. I like to spank, I like to be spanked. It turns me on. No other rational is needed.
The only thing I have ever said about spanking that may be universally true is that once two people admit they share an interest in spanking that will be the last time they will fully agree on anything related to spanking.
The list of reasons for spanking goes on for novel-length. Atonement for misdeeds, connecting to another, submission, fun, etc. In our case, it’s directly connected to sexual pleasure. Sure, there is a sting, but it’s not perceived as pain to us. The sting goes from our backside to our brain for a little processing and to our front side. When I think of all the other reasons someone that likes to be spanked might have, it’s a wonder that Bacall and I found each other so compatible. We sure as hell did not have a list of spanking traits we wanted in the other when we met.
Disappointment in a spanking. Yes, sure, it happens for all sorts of reasons. Too hard. Too gentle. Preoccupied. Not in the mood. Didn’t happen. Shouldn’t have happened. Delayed. Not the implement I was hoping for. Already been spanked and don’t need another one. Would rather snuggle. Uncomfortable position. Headache. Sore back. Sore bottom. Busy now. Too hot. Too cold. Too stingy, I wanted thud. Too thuddy, I wanted sting. Wrong room. Too long. Too short. Too high. Too low. Too far out on my hip. Feeling sick. Feeling tired. Wanted scolding. Scolding was distracting. Rationale is bogus. Didn’t get a rationale. Just don’t want to get spanked right now. Why can’t we do this later?
My thought, yeah do it later, take a rain check. Neither of us feels submissive to the other so taking a spanking to be submissive to the other’s desires is foreign to us. We always check with the other to see if they are in the mood. If things are not going as we want, we tell the other right away.
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So I got a note from a guy. His wife has agreed to spank him, maybe not as long or as hard as he would like, but he is working with her to “improve” the spankings. He would like to be submissive to her, to give himself to her. But, she will have none of that.
I can relate to her feelings. I have had more than a few women that wanted to be submissive to me. I am not bragging, I am saying how desperate they were. All of them were successful in their own right. An RN with two doctorates, a CPA, etc. I have never wanted any part in controlling another’s life. It’s all I can do to control my own life.
So I can understand wives who signed up for traditional marriage, with traditional sexual boundaries who find after the vows have been exchanged that their husband has a few more vows – that he wants to be spanked and have her control him.
And it course works the other way, wives reveal they want to be spanked, controlled after marriage. Witness all the DD blogs.
We can ask for a spanking. That takes nothing away from it for us.
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Consider that in marriages where punishments spankings are given, don’t you find it odd that only the submissive one ever needs to be punished? The dominant one never makes a mistake. Fucking incredible to me.
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Most paddlings given to me by other women have been a disappointment to me. I explain in detail how I want it and they tell me they understand. And then bam right out of the gate they head in a different direction and I have to stop the scene. I make sure they understand that licks only go on the meaty section and the first lick is on my side. Scene ends.
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Same with implements, there are dozens of types. We happen to have landed on wood. I was always about wood, no doubt from school. She came to wood by way of leather. There are damn few wood paddles that work for us. When we made them, we tested them on each other to see how they worked. I would get on the intercom and call her down to the workshop for a test. We communicated.
A belt Bacall bought for herself. It turned out to be more than she bargained for.
One of my jeans belt that I use on Bacall
Some paddles were tossed right away, others would be cut a little to see if that would improve them. When we got one we liked, she would finish it.
I can look a paddle and say it looks like it would work, but the proof is in feeling it.
All this to say, it’s an exceedingly narrow channel to find a suitable mate and another channel to find the right implement. As I am sure you already know.
After years and dozens of toys, these are our go-to favs
My Toys
Our Bottoms Burn 
The Dom and sub titles throw me, why not spanker and spankee?
Yeah, they throw me too. I used them in this article to indicate that the individuals held themselves to be subordinate or to be exercising control over another to distinguish them from the simple spanker/spankee folks. It’s important to recognize that the people place themselves in the position. I am sure it fulfills some inner need they have, but I leave that to the shrinks.
Always thought spanking had its own particular DNA. Similar for all of us, but uniquely individual as well. Be pretty boring if we all imagined it the same way. It’s more art… than science. We know who we are, what we like; but capturing the ‘why’ and ‘what exactly’ we’re drawn to, or explaining the small but vital nuances we perceive in it to anyone else? That’s a big lift. No doubt likely why we keep on trying.
“Open communication”; that is the most important part of being in a spanking relationship. It requires open, honest, judgement-free communication. Hinting doesn’t work, been there to confirm.
Once we opened to spanking, and on to discussing it was a huge step in our relationship. I’ve said this many times and will probably say many more; “couples who are open to spanking, bondage, role-play and more, are happier, have sex more often and the orgasms are far more intense”.
The writing started with the word “hurt”. Interesting choice of words. I don’t consider spankings at our level to hurt. They sting, thy may get a bit painful, but never really hurt.
I agree, why dom/sub? I get spanked but I am not a submissive person.